People leave the good in search of finding something better. But sometimes they are out of luck and find something somewhat worse. They are searching for what they already had right in front of them without even realizing. But it’s too damn bad and too late to reverse anything. People take things for granted way too much. You always want what you can’t have. Must suck being you.

Idk if it’s these pills or these people but I’ve been really depressed and moody for the past week or so. I seriously haven’t been in this dark state in so long…since last year or early winter this year. I am not happy with who I am at the moment because I have been abusing substances as of late. That’s NOT me. Why am I doing this shit? No, I am not addicted to anything. Just upset over how many times I can be below the influence within a week.
Too many things are happening at once. I’m just scared of what’s going to happen. And I have been trying to distract myself in the worst way. I just want to be happy again like I was a couple of months ago in the spring. I am stressing way too much.
Hope I’m just overreacting/overthinking and everything that’s going on in my head won’t actually happen.
Think I’m going back to my workout addiction. The only thing I can think of that will make me feel good about myself at the end. If I can remember, going to the gym at college everyday brought so much elation and relieved so much stress for me.
Going back to just focusing on me.
I will love me.

I think I had way too much fun last week. All I did was hang out with my guy friends and get messed up everyday. I really let myself go last week. But I kind of needed it. I needed to not give a fuck for a bit and just simply have fun. That’s the only time I get to distract my thoughts and feelings even though it isn’t the healthy way. All I know is, I had a good time forgetting about everything. But unfortunately, I am coming to the realization that you can’t run away from your problems. It’ll only come back to screw you up.

So many things I’ve been wanting to post on this blog but I can’t seem to swallow my pride and do so.

I feel like posting these things will make me feel weak. Or will I be weak not to post them? Fuck.

I got rid of everything. I tend to have a hard time deleting serious or important conversations or photos. But I had to delete them because I realized that I don’t want to keep anything. I don’t really want to remember anything either. I’m just sitting here asking myself “Why am I keeping all this as if it will do my future any good?” Because I am pretty sure it won’t. It’s about time I get rid of it, way past overdue. Whatever happened in the past is in the past. I feel good about where I’m at in life and I’m so glad that I am still able to open up and care for new people. I am still young and still learning. Just want to thank you because if all of that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I feel much more independent, responsible and mature. I am more patient with everything/everyone and have learned how to control my anger. I have made many mistakes but I have corrected them. All I’ve been focusing on is making myself happy and making sure my loved ones are all good too. Please don’t blame me for the decisions that I’ve made that’s concerning you in my life as of now. Everything I do is for a reason.

I don’t know why I’m treating you nicely. I don’t understand why I’m slowly kind of letting you back in my life when I had left you out for however long that was? I know it’s because I grew out of that anger and hatred phase. I’m so done running away and feeling that deep anger. I am currently fighting every hate bone that I have in my body every time we come in contact. I’m done. I just want to be civil. No one said it’d be easy.

If I really didn’t care about hurting you, I’d tell you everything that I know about that person. It’d be my sweet satisfaction to tell you all of it. But this isn’t the third grade. We don’t simply tell on each other and destroy others’ lives. We just sit and wait for karma to do her dirty work.

…At least that’s what I do. And whether you know or not, it’s just a dilemma for you anyways. Lol…you just got it bad. But as harsh as it may sound coming from me, you deserved that shit anyways. 

And I am sorry that you had to put up with that. Or nevermind…I’m not sorry. Because you probably didn’t even know.

Good luck with what happens in the future… because according to what I know, you’re going to need it. 

All I know is, I’m really stupid for caring about you and deciding to get back in contact with you. But it’s called forgiveness. You truly don’t deserve my forgiveness though but I’m moving past all the bs. I shouldn’t care about you though. 

There you have it. Keep it sweet and lovely, folks. ;-*

- 12:44am